Here I am

Here I am, over two months since I’ve last written. The pen feels like its trying to fly off the page. It’s going faster - no my brain is going faster than my hand can write. So much to unpack. So much change.

Here I am with only three days left in 2023. This year has broken me in some ways. And it also put me back together.

I cried often. I felt defeat. All due to an uncertainty in my career path. And financial woes. People don’t talk about it. When the money doesn’t add up. And that made it feel even lonelier.

I remember this summer realizing our checking account had hit zero. Not catastrophic since I could just move money from our savings. But a realization. A neon blinking sign. A “YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION” moment. The job I had was not working. Being an independent contractor can be great, but only if there is work for you to do. And there wasn’t enough work.

And my drive to push with Beautycounter had ended sometime during the mess that was 2020 and I had no desire to get it back. To keep “selling” myself. To keep branding myself. To keep feeling a pressure to perform on social media. No, I wanted to burn those apps down and only share when the mood struck me.

But the reality was clearly there in our bank account. I’m not supposed to say that out loud am I? I’m not supposed to talk about these hard things that keep you up at night. But it was a dark cloud constantly hanging over my head. Wondering if this month I’d have the hours to make enough money or if again we’d need to dip into savings. If food prices would continue to rise. And the knowledge that in 5.5 years I’d have a kid going off to college. We wouldn’t need less money in time. We’d need more.

So I was at a crossroads. Or more like a dead end. The hard truth was that we needed more money. And so Todd and I talked. A lot. What did more money look like?

We could blow up our lives and he could change jobs. But we’d have to move. So we didn’t even pursue that path. We knew we wanted to stay here. In Macon. With our friends, the kids’ school, our home and our community.

So that meant I needed to make more money. Me.

I wanted my writing groups to take off. I love this practice. I love sharing it. I know how powerful it can be. But getting that off the ground take time. And patience. And I didn’t have that. So I decided I’d look for a new legal job. Begrudgingly. Because it’s what my family needed.

I thought I wanted something remote. Something flexible from home. But I applied and nothing came. And I didn’t have the time to wait.

So I went on linked in and flipped “open to talking to recruiters.” And that very day a recruiter reached out. About a local firm. And long story very short, in October I started working again. In a law firm. IN the office. From 8am - 3pm. Every weekday.

And I love it. I’m shocked. Still. There have been hiccups. Of course. Nothing is perfect. The hardest day was the kids’ first day of Christmas break when my middle child realized I wouldn’t be home with them. But they came and met me for lunch and we made the best of it. They don’t realize what this job is allowing us to do, but I know and one day maybe they’ll understand.

But back to loving it. I get up and get the kids ready for school and then Todd takes them at 7. Then I get showered, put on makeup and get dressed like a real live adult who has her shit together. Turns out that not wearing athleisure everyday is good for my mental health.

I drive 15 minutes downtown and am at my desk by 8. I work until 3 and then I leave. This reduced hours schedule has been perfect. I’m so grateful for the advice my friend Bowen gave me. She said, “Ask for what you need.” I needed a lawyer job that allowed me to still keep my schedule with my kids.

And that’s what I have. I asked the firm to work with me and they did. I’m leaving money on the table by not being full time. And at one point in my life that would’ve really bothered me. Some might say I’m not getting paid what I’m worth. But I’m so thankful for the balance. Compensation is much more than the dollars going in to my bank account. As a woman I thought I had to be all in or all out, but there are so many variations. You can leave and come back. You can reduce and still be impactful. You can structure your life to meet your family’s needs. There ARE possibilities.

I love being around people all day. Getting out of the house. I didn’t realize until I made this change that I’ve been pretty depressed. I think that had a lot to do with being alone in my house all day. It was lonely. And I kept telling myself a story about how great the flexibility was, but it was a half truth. I wasn’t acknowledging how unhappy I had been. How truly lonely I was and unfulfilled. Add the money woes to this and I can now see that it was true depression.

I also love the work I’m doing. I feel smart again. I am appreciated. People tell me I’m doing a good job. I never realized how much I thrive off of words of affirmation. It’s something I didn’t get as a young lawyer. But i now see how that skewed my perception of myself.

So my world has flipped upside down. And it’s the best thing to happen to me in a while. Money is no longer a concern. It’s simply there. Because I’m earning it. This alone is a huge weight lifted. But more, I’m happy. I’m proud of myself. And I’m as surprised as anyone.

And the words of my friend: “Ask for what you need,” ring in my ears. In what other areas can I ask for what I need? It begs the question: What DO I need? What about you? What do you need?

May 2024 be the year we declare what we need and go for it.