Make Our Own Light

We will make our own light. When we are unsure what is going on in the world around us, we will be the light. Our little family, our little community, we will shine. That is what I have learned these last few years. You can’t control what happens out there. But you can cultivate love and light and beauty within your own walls.

The faces of my children laughing. The closed eyes. The slits that form when large eyes can’t contain their joy. The noise of bellows from all around. Screeching little sisters. Silly daddy. Big brothers who are growing up but still relish in the funniness of life. Who aren’t embarrassed by their parents yet. Who haven’t been affected by the coolness that seems to descend around puberty. The connection with the family is strong. Maybe it will sustain through the tenuous growing up years.

The mess that is created in the kitchen. Maybe it’s making donuts that you, the mom, know have no redeeming nutritional value, yet you keep making. They fill your children with joy. They delight in you allowing these sweet treats. Not just allowing them. Making them. They know you like healthy food best but they know you adore them more. You want to make them smile. You want them to have memories in this kitchen full of love. You want those core memories to be good. To be deep. To bring smiles to their faces. Even when you are dead and gone and they are old and gray. When they are wrinkled you especially hope they look back on their time in this house with you with fondness. You know you aren’t perfect, but you hope your love overshadows all the flaws.

You bring them light. They bring you light. It is a relationship like no other. And yet you know that every day that passes, is one day closer to the separation. They are born to grow and fly. To need you less and less each day. And while this breaks your heart into pieces, you wouldn’t want it any other way. You long for their truths to live out in their lives. For them to grow up and become who they are meant to be. To embrace this life and to truly live it. And yet, you know that one day this house that is full of so much noise will be quiet. You and their father will once again be alone. And it will be strange.

Until then you are trying oh so hard to hold tight to each day. To live IN this day. In the moment at hand. And to fully embrace it all. Each time when you are awoken in the middle of the night by a little hand on your shoulder, scared eyes looking back and a small voice asking “can I get in your bed mommy”, you wonder if it’ll be the last time. You can’t remember the last time her brother crawled in your bed. And he used to do it nightly for years. You used to stay up with him in the middle of the night because he was a terrible sleeper. You’d feed him bananas at 2am. You’d hold him. And you’d both fall back asleep cuddled closely in your bed. You have no idea how long it’s been since he needed you that way. So you relish in her needing you. Not wishing her to have restless sleep on her own. But embracing her elbow in your ribs, her hand on your face and her stealing the covers. You wake before her and stare. You smell her head and say a silent prayer of thanks. You hold on to this memory knowing that it may be the last. But hoping you’ll get another night of being needed by her.

You love them more than you thought possible. But it’s not easy being a mother. You feel like a failure every single day. Are you enough? Are you teaching them enough? Are you helping them grow their independence. Do they know not to bully others? Would they tell you if they are being bullied? Are you too overbearing? Are you focused on their grades too much? Are you not helping them study enough? Should you be more serious? Is a silly mom what they need? Should you stop swearing so much? What about the explicit songs you play in the car and allow them to sing along to? Is pizza every Friday too much? Are their lunches balanced enough? Did they get enough sleep? Are you babying them? Have you taught him enough about sex? Do you need to teach him about consent yet? Will they know that you will be proud of them no matter what? Do they think they need to earn your approval and love or have they truly heard your words? Are their nails too dirty? Should you have that cough checked out? Are they playing too many sports? Are they not trying enough different activities? Do they have enough friends? Will they believe that you tried the best you could with what you had? Will it be enough?

One day you’ll look back and know you messed up but that you did try hard. That you were the mom they needed. You laughed with them and that is the sound they’ll think of when they remember their childhood. Or maybe that’s the sound you’ll remember.

Bringing lightness in this confusing world. That’s your goal. And you’re their north star while they’re little. But hopefully, if you’ve done your job, they’ll learn to follow their own light in this world. They’ll help use their light to lift up others and brighten this world.  Lord knows they’ve brightened yours.