And yet.

I’ve been in the space before where I have felt unfulfilled in my career. Actually, unfulfilled is too kind of a word for how I felt when I was working as a banking and public finance attorney for a mid-sized law firm in Atlanta. Soul crushing is better. I dreaded work each day. I feared my telephone ringing, knowing some angry (usually male) attorney would be on the other end. I’ll never forget that gut feeling of knowing I was in the wrong job.

I don’t have that feeling now. But a new feeling is bubbling inside. A questioning of whether or not there is something else I’m being pulled to do. I am coming up on the five year anniversary with my current company. I have loved my job for so many reasons. Flexibility. Financial freedom. A mission I’m passionate about. Helping others lead healthier lives. Mentoring women to build businesses they are proud of. The community of women I work with. I could go on and on gushing about my job. And yet.

And yet, there is this feeling that I’m missing something.
And yet, I feel as though I have hit a roadblock that I can’t seem to get around.
And yet, lately when I sit down to work I am distracted.
And yet, I can’t stop comparing myself to the other women who do this job “better” than me.
And yet, I have questioned my ability to successfully do this job well, despite the fact that by any metric I am successful. I am in the top 1% of consultants in the company. I have a thriving business. I have grown year over year consistently.

And yet.

I’m in the top 1% of the company, but I’ve been aiming for the top 0.4% for the last year and a half. Month after month I fall short of this goal. I’m not one to just set a goal I know I will hit. So I keep setting this same goal and attempting to get there. But so far the pieces have not come together.

This lacking and falling short of my own aspirations has gotten in my head. Badly. And so for a while I’ve been searching for some other outlet to give me the feelings of accomplishment that I used to get from this job. I’ve gone so far as to decide to start practicing law again. I’ve bought a book. I’ve floated firm names. I’ve researched creating an LLC, going active again with the Georgia bar and have forms ready to go. I have people ready as clients, waiting for me to put the open sign up. And yet.

And yet, I don’t know if that’s the solution.

I wonder if I’m abandoning my goal simply because it’s still out of reach. Am I taking the easy way out by redirecting my focus elsewhere? Or, am I protecting my sense of self worth by not allowing my confidence to continue to get beaten and battered each month?

Am I being proactive by adding another income stream to our family. Or am I throwing in the towel by not staying 100% committed to my current job and income stream that has potential to keep growing larger and larger as time goes on?

Would this stretch me too thin to do both? Would my already limited time be taken up even more? Is this the right thing to take up my time?

Or are these all fear-based reasons I’m telling myself to NOT start the firm? To not try something new?

I am confident I can continue my current business as strongly with the addition of the firm. I work best when I have many fires going at once. When there’s only one focus, I tend to allow distraction to win out over the single task that needs to get done.

But don’t I hate practicing law? Why on earth would I want to return to the thing that made my whole being sad? This would be different. I would be in control. I could take the work I wanted and leave what I didn’t have time for or want to work on. I would be the boss.

So why? What is the appeal? I love helping women. This would be a way for me to help other women fulfill their dreams. Women who have business ideas who need legal counsel. Women who have businesses and need an attorney to help with contracts. And there’s always been this thought in my head that I’d enjoy estate planning and helping people set up their wills. I’ll never know if I like it unless I try.

But there is so much unknown. I’ve never run a law practice. I’ve never had to invoice clients. I have never actually done a will. All the contracts I’ve worked on have been based on forms my old firm created. And most importantly, I’ve never had confidence in myself as an attorney. And yet.

And yet, I am not the woman who left the legal world 4 years ago. In that time I have transformed. I have grown confident in myself. I have no doubt I could be successful as a solopreneur in the law world. I could define what that success looks like to me. I am not worried about finding clients. And yet.

And yet, I am not sure this is the right move.

Bridget is only in school 3 mornings a week right now. Maybe I should put this on the back burner until she is in school 5 mornings a week next Fall. Or perhaps wait another year and a half until she’s in school all day every day. Then I will have more time that I could split between the two businesses. Yes, waiting and focusing on this time while B is little makes sense. And yet.

And yet, there is a desire to just start. Jump in now and see what happens. Use this next 1.5 years to try it out. Try on something new and see if I can manage both. See if I even enjoy the legal world on these terms. So yes, I should just start now. And yet.

There is a pull to start something else entirely. Something in the health and wellness world. The Class by Taryn Toomey to be exact. I want to become a teacher. It requires at least a year of teaching movement classs to music before being able to apply. I don’t do that. So do I get certified to teach classes of some sort to music, then apply? But The Class doesn’t actually have a presence where I currently live and I don’t foresee us ever moving to NY or LA. But but but, I have confidence The Class will expand and don’t I want to be able to expand with it? I do. I so do. But what if I take the steps (which admittedly will take YEARS) to become a teacher and then my application is rejected. Or I can’t figure out how to actually do the training from NY? Or I do the training but don’t have any where to teach? There are so many potential road bumps to this end goal of teaching The Class. And yet.

And yet, I know in my being I want to do this. I want other people to feel the awakening and unraveling of the soul and ego and mind that occurred for me when The Class entered my life. I want to play a role in other people’s journeys. I don’t think being their lawyer is the vehicle I want to utilize to assist people in leading their best life. But it makes the most sense. It is the path that is the straightest. It is the thing that makes the most sense. I went to law school. I have a law degree. I am an attorney. And yet.

And yet, there’s a piece of me that does not at all want to put on that hat again. But it’s not simply a matter of what I want. It is a question of what works best for my family. My husband. My kids. The people that rely on me. While I want to continue on my own journey of self evolution and bring that to others, what about the people who matter most to me in the world? They deserve me present. They deserve me here, working, contributing to our family and being my best self for them. And yet.

And yet, there’s a chance that my entering the world of law again will give them the worst of me. But then I simply quit. There’s no shame in trying something and either failing at it or deciding it is not for you.

I know this. I believe that the success is in the TRYING. Not in the outcome. Which brings me full circle to my current job. Why have I been so focused on the outcome. The goal of a title. The goal of my business breaking down a certain way with x many directors and x volume. I have been so hyper focused on an outcome that I’ve missed the joy in the journey. Ah ha. There is my answer. At least to my current situation. Let go of the end game. It will happen, or not. A lot of the timing for that is out of my control as it requires other people being ready to grow their own organizations to a certain level. I can’t make someone do something before they are ready. But I can focus on my own actions.

So there’s the first game plan. Simply let go of the outcome with Beautycounter. Maybe I’ll become a Managing Director. Maybe I won’t. I need to fall back in love with simply sharing our mission - what initially brought me in. I need to hone the outrage that I feel about the existing laws in this country and the crap that is allowed in our products. I need to educate others and help people evaluate the safety of their products. I need to remember how good it feels to share this important information with someone for the first time and see the light bulbs going off in their head. I need to go back to focusing on coming from a place of service to others. Sharing that safe products CAN be high performing. And focusing on welcoming those who feel called to be a part of this mission to build businesses in a way that feels authentic to them. That would make me happy. That is success.

I don’t know about the law side. I think it is worth exploring, but not quite jumping in yet. It’s not going anywhere.

I think I will regret not pursuing The Class. And yet.

And yet, I don’t have a clear path for that. I need to figure out the how. Maybe I just need to jump there. I’ve never been more certain of something than that very first class I took almost a year ago. I walked out knowing in my heart I would get involved. Maybe it’s time I start listening to myself.

My friend Amanda said something on her podcast recently. She was talking about how she was trying to decide if she should become a real estate agent, so she did the thing many of us would do and sought out people in that profession and talked to them. But what she said that stuck with me was this: “I’m not those moms.” This has stayed in the back of my mind as I’ve looked around at what others are doing and wondered why I can’t simple make a decision and move forward. Or why I haven’t yet reached that goal that 100+ other women have reached. I’m not those women.

I am me. I am messy. I am unsure. I am questioning. I am on a path that I haven’t yet paved. There may be many forks in the road. And yet.

And yet, somewhere deep down, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.