Accept and Awaken

I wrote an entire post two days ago and it mysteriously disappeared. The post was all about my approach to the new year, which is different from my past years. And now I’ve been questioning if it was a sign that I need to rethink my approach. But I’m going to go with my gut and stick with my plan. Or lack thereof.

See, every year on December 31st or January 1st I spend hours thinking about my resolutions for the year. Sometimes I create an entire list of things to “fix”. One year I picked a different area of “wellness” to focus on each of the 12 months. Sometimes a word is chosen, but I usually also write down a plan for living that word in action.

But this time, the new year came and went and every time I sat down to think about my plan, I couldn’t. My mind was blank. My ideas were stale. My energy wasn’t up. It felt disorienting. I have always thrived by setting goals and going after them. Each new year has been no different.

2020 is different. I feel it. I am different.

2019 was all about striving. Pushing. Forcing. Wanting. Reaching.

I had a goal of going FASTER when running.
I wanted to figure out my anxiety.
I pushed to find a balance in my business and my motherhood.
I aimed to be an exceptional wife (even wrote this in a journal daily thanks to Rachel Hollis).
I sought clarity in my nutrition and eating habits.
I kept going and going and going.

And I accomplished a lot. I did so many of the things I set out to do. And then some.

Yet I ended the year exhausted and drained, with this feeling that something was missing. What was this hole?

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but then the signs started coming. First in the form of a post in my running group. “I was recently reading an article which really spoke to me! …Why do we always keep chasing Personal Records #PR? Do we HAVE TO run faster or further every time we go out? Do we always have to strive to #beatyesterday? Why can’t we just celebrate small Personal Victories #PV sometimes instead?” YES YES YES! Why can’t we? I felt this post so deeply.

Next a friend shared a post in her IG stories. The author talked about not setting resolutions in this season. That it was OK not to. It was another sign to just drop in and be proud of where I am and all the internal work I did in 2019. To stop trying to “fix” me. I needed to read that.

And another dear friend tagged me in another post that again confirmed what I was already feeling. Simply BE where I am.

So this year I’m not setting resolutions. I have no roadmap for my year. I am accepting myself where I am. I am awakening into this version of myself, because quite frankly, 2019 stripped my to the core and I’m still trying to figure out who this woman is that is emerging.

I never planned on being alcohol free by the end of 2019 - yet here I am.
I never planned on taking a step back from running and feeling the urge to do exercise purely for the joy and endorphins that it brings without any benchmarks attached - yet here I am.
I never planned on starting a new business venture that would intertwine my legal background with my love of helping women thrive into their dreams - yet a business plan is in works.

Conversely, so many of the things I DID plan are now being viewed through a different lens.

All the things in this house and in my closet - why do I have them? What can I release to lighten the load?
I was so sure my next step was to teach The Class by Taryn Toomey, and maybe it will be one day, but as a wise woman brought to my attention, I’m already spreading the message of the class by continuing to share it and encourage others to experience the magic it can offer. We can be a “teacher” without having the official title.
I am looking at motherhood and seeing how truly fleeting these years are and finding ways to step into this chaos with open arms and embrace the hard.

The older I get, the more I feel in my bones that this life has one point: love well. Love yourself exactly as you are. And spread your love to others. Uplift them. Be the light. But in order to truly shine our brightest, we must not conform to what we think is expected of us. We need to beat to our own drummer. We need to follow our own star. We need to embrace the uniqueness that only we possess.

So this year, if I have any focus it is that. To accept myself exactly as I am. No more fixing and feeling less than. In doing so, I will awaken into my true self. I will love myself. I will spread love to others as often and as big as I can.

Cheers to 2020. A year fill of love.