Free Yourself

I remember the first time I had a panic attack. Only I didn’t know it was a panic attack at the time. Each subsequent attack has been hellish in different ways. I’ve always had hope that they would go away, but I didn’t have much faith that they would. The problem with panic is that it’s a loop. You have an attack. Then you fear you’ll have another. So you do. Then you fear another. And on and on it goes.

I almost let the fear of an anxiety attack hold me back from being in the one place that would start the healing of it all. Every year I go to a leadership conference with work. In 2018 the conference was such a shit storm of panic that I’d decided not to go in 2019. The positives of the trip no longer outweighed the panic. Because the second problem with panic attacks is they take me out for weeks. It’s not just over when it’s done. My mental health crashes and I’m fragile for a long time after. I can’t stop replaying the panic in my head. I can’t stop asking why. I retreat into myself and start skipping out on social engagements. So knowing there was no way I’d get through the conference this year without some anxiety, I was simply not going to go.

Then the universe intervened in the way of a call asking me to speak on a panel at the conference. Without missing a beat I said yes. So my plans changed and I went to the conference. A low level of anxiety set in on the flight and more or less stayed that first day. Friday morning of the conference I attended The Class by Taryn Toomey taught by Laura Camilleri. I soon realized THAT was why I was at that conference. I needed to be in that room that very morning. My soul cracked open during The Class. I wrote Laura on Instagram that day these words, “I was speaking in one of the sessions this morning and was full of nerves (and have severe panic attacks and anxiety as it is), but your class made it all float away. I cried tears of release. I felt a calmness I’ve not had in a long time. I am so grateful you were here. Truly. I loved every minute.”

I knew in my being that I needed The Class in my life. But it is only in NYC, LA, Miami and Vancouver. Notice Georgia is not on that list. I messaged Laura later saying “I’ve truly never experienced anything where I felt to my core that I needed to be involved…You gave me hope that one day this anxiety will truly be a thing of the past.” And I asked if she had any book recommendations - since I couldn’t take The Class, I figured that was the closest I could get. She passed along some recs from their teacher training and I dug in.

I would visit the website often looking at the retreats. They were pricey and I’d already signed up for the RISE conference with Rachel Hollis for the summer. But, as that conference approached, I decided to sell my RISE ticket as the timing wasn’t great. So I said. Truth was, a huge part was my anxiety rearing it’s ugly head. Or the fear of the anxiety I should say. Flying to Dallas, not knowing anyone, going to a huge conference. PANIC ATTACK written all over it. I let fear stop me. Although, looking back, I can see it all unfolded as it was meant to.

I applied for The Global Immersion with The Class - a four day intensive in NYC. But when I saw the price point I couldn’t justify the cost. But again, anxiety was the bigger factor. The money was the outward reason. Fear was the inner reason to say no. I’ve never been to NYC. I’d have to fly there (a big fear). I’d have to navigate the city (fear). And be with people I don’t know (fear). FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. This damn theme was playing on a loop. I had until October to decide so I just sat on it, but was fairly certain I wasn’t going.

Then in August I was on Instagram and saw that Gabby Bernstein was going on a book tour. Her last stop was outside of Atlanta as part of the Attune by Living Wholly retreat at Serenbe. Intrigued, I took a closer look at this Attune retreat. Well wouldn’t you know, The Class was going to be there. I signed up that day. It was an hour and a half drive from home, the cost was half of the NYC trip and I had the money I didn’t use from RISE already set aside. It started the day of my son’s birthday, but this time I didn’t let any excuse or fear stop me. I said yes. All I knew was I needed The Class in my life and this was a way to get that.

Fast forward to September 19th as I was sitting in a bookstore with my daughter. An email came through introducing The Tour - The Class was going on the road. Atlanta was the last stop. I bought my ticket right then and there.

On October 24th, almost 7 full months after taking The Class for the very first time, I took my second class. This one with the founder herself, Taryn Toomey. Phoenix wasn’t a fluke. I was shattered again in the most amazing way. You can read all about that here. This method was meant for me. It was the answer I’ve been looking for for so long. And this time I could keep my therapy going, as the digital studio was being launched soon. I could continue this journey to freedom.

Two weeks later I drove to Serenbe. I knew no one at the conference. It was the perfect storm for my panic to emerge. A new place. New people. Lots of social interactions. I even shared a room with a woman I had never met. And shared a house with 6 other women I’d never met. I had to walk up to a table of strangers - multiple times over the course of the weekend - and ask if I could eat with them. Then I had to hold conversations with them. I walked alone in the dark through a forest - something that would have scared the daylights out of me previously. I attended yoga classes. I meditated. I heard Gabby and Elizabeth Gilbert, Joe Dispenza, Shaman Durek and other amazing teachers. And I took The Class with Zoe Lepage twice.

I did not have one single flicker of panic the entire weekend. I’m still blown away in writing that. Literally none. And I had this overwhelming feeling that it is done.

The Class was joyful this time around. I still cried and felt deep healing occurring, but it was though light was moving through the cracks in my mental well being and sealing them up for good. The tears were of happiness. I finally felt at home in my body. I wasn’t warring against it.

We were each given a card from The Moon Deck at the opening ceremonies of the retreat. My card was “WORTH” and read “I free myself from critical thoughts towards my body and my worth.” I initially was disappointed, thinking this was the wrong card for me. Oh how wrong I was. My gut interpretation was that the card was talking about my physical body - which is something I don’t have issues with anymore. But I realized my brain and my mental body are part of my body. And we have been at war for a long time. I have been so mad at myself for having anxiety. I have been so frustrated with not being able to “get it under control”. Why couldn’t I just breathe it away. Why was I not ENOUGH to fix this? I think those qualify as critical thoughts towards my body and my worth.

This anxiety hasn’t just been debilitating, it has been crushing. I haven’t felt like myself for years now. Every time I would go out in a social setting I’d wonder if panic was going to emerge. Every time I took a sip of alcohol, a thought would flutter into my mind wondering if this was a bad idea. Every trip I booked and went on has been overshadowed by these feelings of fear and panic. It is liberating to finally feel free. I don’t know why I believe the panic and anxiety are gone, but it is such a strong vibration in me telling me: it is done.

By done I don’t even know if I mean I’ll never have one again, I think it’s that I now have the skills to move through one if it happens. I know I can feel the heart beat, I can feel the discomfort, I can acknowledge it, I can choose to move through it and then it is over. For that, I think The Class is to thank. The teachers of The Class offer profound words of wisdom as you are moving your body. Their words along with free movement without judgement, being vocal (I’m talking screaming, deep deep sighing and guttural sounds) and going inward to the loud, powerful music combine to help you release whatever has been holding you down.

Movement is the access point.

You can choose how you react to discomfort.

And then, it is done.

I also think the racing heart that occurs after moving my body in The Class is as close to mimicking the physical aspects of my panic attacks that I can get. This happens many times each class. It’s not scary because I know why it is happening. Then each time, we are guided to find stillness with one hand on our heart and one on our belly. Each time the heart slows. The breathing returns to normal. And it is done. I am back to calm. These regular “trial runs” offer me reminders that I can feel panic. I can feel anxious. I can acknowledge it. And it cannot consume me. I can move past it. Fast. This is so powerful for me.

I feel called to be a part of The Class. I can’t stop talking about it and sharing about it on social media. It has been the teacher I have needed to move through this season of life. I honestly do not want to imagine what I’d be feeling if I had decided not to go to Phoenix (or slept in and skipped The Class). My life and my feelings of worth about myself have improved dramatically since March. I don’t fear social interactions. I actually want to go to San Francisco in a few months for my work trip. And I want to bring this method to as many people as possible. For now I’ll keep talking about it to anyone who will listen. Long term, I will become a teacher of The Class. No idea how, but it’s going to happen.

I am also not drinking alcohol and have no intention to ever again. While alcohol may not (or may) have been the impetus for my panic attacks, the longer I’ve refrained, the deeper look I keep taking into my relationship with alcohol. I do believe it did factor in to my anxiety, but more so, I simply don’t want it in my body. As I can’t help but overshare, I’m sure I’ll go into the whys and the feelings on that soon.

I know how dark and lonely it can feel to suffer from mental health disorders. I am in no way saying medication is not the way - it has saved me on multiple occasions. Whether you medicate or not, I encourage you to keep looking for things that speak to your soul. And when you find that thing that empowers you, hold on tight and keep doing the work. In the meantime, never lose hope that you’ll find your answer. You will. It’s out there waiting for you.